Slow Pokin’

Holy moly!

I need to be more consistent! I guess I’ll give it a shot again. . . I have so much older content I need to post! I’m sure some of you are chomping at the bit to have me finish up a couple of things!

In the mean time, check these two songs out!

xoxo

-S

P.S. – and also this, because it’s nuts and I love it.

New Challenge!

Just. . . THIS for starters. GRRR! I found it on Pinterest this morning and it really is a summation of how I’ve been feeling about the world lately.

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It’s disgusting and it’s really starting to annoy me. I was watching a documentary last night while I was on the treadmill (big surprise) about some cultural stuff from the late 80s early 90s in New York City. One of the people on there made a comment about how people today don’t do anything but take pictures of themselves having “fun”.

It’s true. It’s shitty to say, but the majority of people I hang out with are SUPER guilty of this crap. I get sucked into it too. It’s really hard not to when you fight it and go out of your way not to bust your phone out and then everyone in your group has their face buried in their phone, of course you want to join in! What else are you going to do?

I’ll tell you what you’re going to do! Not do it. Here’s my challenge to myself, and to you – put the phone away. Do something else. If you’re already doing something else, you don’t need your phone to be your security blanket! If you get a phone call, or want to show someone a picture of some cute shit your dog did last night, that’s one thing, but then put it back down! Make fucking eye contact! Have a fucking conversation! Do a fucking THING!

If you know me and you think this might be about you, it is. If you don’t know me. . . it’s about you, too.

It can be tough for you addicts out there, so try this: put it down for one hour. Just one hour. Then tomorrow do it again. But! It doesn’t count if it’s one hour while you are at work or at home by yourself. You have to do it when you are out with people. This ABSOLUTELY includes Snapchat.

Just try it, you wuss!

xoxo

-S

Oh the rat hole! Oh the MAYHEM!!!

dorothy lamour
Dorothy Lamour

 

It’s been nearly a week since I’ve shared anything with you all. I plan to get something fun out tonight. But! Let me explain!

My goodness!

I’ve hit on this wall of watching endless documentaries that play into my web of interest and learning about equipment I want and the culture based around it.

I’m watching documentaries and doing tons of research and taking notes and starting articles, but not finishing them!

I’m on information overload and I’m so excited about everything I’ve learned and that I have to share and I can’t shut it off right now! So. Bear with me. I’ll get you some wonderful bits and in the meantime it will probably just be teasers.

Sorry about that. I promise it will be worth the wait!

xoxo

-S

This is important to me and I don’t know how to get it out. . .

This is a spoken word project by Shane Koyczan that I first discovered when I was dancing in college. It’s very moving and it hits me hard, in a different way, every time that I watch it.

You’ve seen before in my ramblings a few posts and references to PostSecret. I believe this site started in 2006. Maybe a little before that? I’ve been visiting it weekly since about 2006 at any rate. – Thank you, Frank.

I really want to write often about my mental health in hopes that it will help my sanity and bring some hope to others who are feeling similarly crummy, but I’m afraid to fall into pity-party rants. I’m going to strive to not get into that mode.

Also.

And I feel strongly about this. Speaking about depression and the struggles you face is not a pity-party. When you take advantage of your listener and use that as a way to feed off of the attention that you are getting then THAT is a pity-party. There are far better, more positive ways to acquire attention. That is healthy.

Let’s start off with this statement: I have depression. I was recently diagnosed with a bi-polar anxiety disorder, but I don’t know if buy into that. At that point I was prescribed a mood stabilizer and an anti-anxiety medication. Now I must say it is very hard for me to agree to see a doctor and even more difficult for me to agree to take a pill. I have a problem with the idea of medicating because it does not cure (I do think diabetics need insulin, et cetera). It simply doesn’t. It suppresses the symptoms. That is most definitely not what I want.

I took the lamictal and the buspar from July 4th – October 31st and then I decided I was done. It didn’t help that much, it messed with my already crappy sleep, and it made me feel crappy. Plus, the long term affects of these medications are not something I’m interested in. I’d much rather make a promise to myself to not do anything final and keep a good bag of tools to help myself than take this crap. I would prefer to be my depressed self feeling like every breath I take (at times) is ripping my heart out of my chest and still have some me in there than feel like a zombie because I’m taking a happy pill.

That being said, if that works for you, please follow your doctor’s prescription plan for you. Mine is not necessarily the healthiest of ways to deal.

I don’t do therapy. I don’t. I worked for an inpatient, acute care, mental health facility for a couple of years and what I saw really turned me off to the world of mental health care. Except for the doctor I worked specifically for and one therapist in the outpatient clinic. These two were amazing and will really make a difference in the lives of their patients. The rest of them stand in the break-room and bitch about their patients or make fun of them. Or play right along in the corporate game of dollars and cents being the bottom line and not the well-being of the patients.

I fall into the pit of self-loathing sometimes often and sometimes once in a great while. When I’m down I put in my headphones and listen to sad songs and go to my secret board on Pinterest that I labeled “Saddness” (I know it’s spelled wrong. I LIKE it like that.)

I pin statements and imagery others have made that correlate to how I am feeling. I don’t know why I do that when I’m feeling down, but it helps me wrap my mind around things. I can accept that that is how I feel in the moment and I can gather it all up and lock it away and then it starts to feel better. Like I am validating that part of me and I’m making it make sense in a way. This helps me. I can’t explain better than that.

Many people in my life don’t understand it and tell me ignorant things like “You don’t have a reason to feel that way. Mind over matter. Just don’t feel that way. Get over it.” So I don’t like to talk about it very much.

I’ll post more about this at another time. It’s hard for me to put this all into words, but this is at least a start.

If you are ever feeling alone and depressed – or suicidal, please seek help. Go here. Utilize the tools they have for you.

There is always hope.

xoxo

-S

 

Bioscoop

I’ve tried to write today and don’t have it in me, I suppose, to create something worthy of you all.

Instead, I’m going to share with you a list of beloved movies that I jotted down last night. Maybe it will spark something. Maybe it won’t.

The saddest journey in the world is the one that follows a precise itinerary. Then you’re not a traveler. You’re a fucking tourist.
― Guillermo del Toro

In no particular order:

Terminator

Terminator 2

Red Dawn

  • Rain Man – 1988. Barry Levinson, United Artists

Rain Man

  • SpaceCamp – 1986. Harry Winer, ABC Motion Pictures

Space Camp

Boondock Saints

The King and I

Gulliver's Travels

  • Twins – 1988. Ivan Reitman, Universal Pictures

Twins

  • Enemy Mine – 1985. Wolfgan Petersen, 20th Century Fox

Enemy Mine

Dark Crystal

  • E.T. – 1982. Steven Spielberg, Universal Pictures

E.T.

Liberty Valance

Cat's Eye

Morning Star

Jurassic Park

  • Alien – 1979. Ridley Scott, 20th Century Fox

Alien

Total Recall

  • The Last Unicorn – 1982. Arthur Rankin, Jr./Jules Bass, Jensen Farley Pictures

Last Unicorn

 

These movies are pretty well rooted in my childhood and I have seen all of them several times. They aren’t the only ones I could have put on the list, but it was still a nice jaunt down the memory rat hole.

Sorry about the size inconsistency. I need some image software I think. Or a better working knowledge of how to do this! haha!

I might just write a post about influential (to me) music from these movies.

Enjoy!

xoxo

-S