Today’s topic is mental health and that’s quite fitting considering the funk I’ve been in lately.
I mentioned previously that one of my jobs went out of business the end of March and I was excited to have free time. I am – don’t get me wrong. I gave way to much of my time and my heart to that job that, in all honestly, was completely thankless.
The trouble is, and I knew this would happen to me eventually – it’s just much MUCH sooner than I anticipated, I am feeling lost, and angsty, and bored, and like I’m completely unfulfilled. I go through this a lot when I’m not working bookoo over-time.
I don’t know what I want and I think that’s been the issue all along. When I’m working two, or three, or five jobs and/or in school I don’t have the time to think about that. Which in a way was good, but in another way was really detrimental because I didn’t allow myself to focus on what I do want.
I’ll tell you what I don’t want. I don’t want to work some meaningless, boring-ass job for the rest of my life, and never get ahead, and never do things like travel and create. Yes, yes. You spoiled girl, every person feels that way. But in the the grand scheme of things I’m young – I just don’t think I can go through the rest of my life feeling like this and struggling in my mind.
I DO want to travel and write. I’m not the best writer, but I enjoy it. Like – why can’t I have a job where I go to cool places and write about it and do like cool photo-journalist stuff? How do you do that? Oh – with no degree – I don’t intend to go back to school.
But I also want to do a million other things, too, so. . .
When I get like this I don’t want to do a damned thing. I just want to sleep all of the time and I feel exhausted, and I can’t convince myself to get out of bed. <– I’ve REALLY been pushing myself out of this mode lately, but my body and mind are fighting back so hard.
I’m spinning in a circle and I don’t know how to stop it.
I need to just sit down and really narrow down what actually matters to me and what I want to do with those things I’m passionate about.
Because I’ll tell you what – the idea of next year being in this same situation just makes me sick. Even if I’m still broke, if I’m focusing my effort on something I actually care about and want to do I’ll be happier. I’m not one to do something I don’t want to do for very long. I can’t be that person that just hunkers down at a job because it pays the bills.
It’s a trap we all fall into at some point, but I can’t help but be jealous of some of the people I watch on YouTube. Not that I’m jealous they are a “YouTuber”, though I am a little. . ., it’s that it kills a little piece of me that some of them are presenting themselves in a way – or – living in a way that I wanted to so badly when I was their age. Granted I’m 10 – 15 years older than they are, so that’s a bit pathetic, but I allowed myself to be dictated by what other people thought of me. Why did I do that? Please don’t ever do that. It’s hard not to hold other people’s opinions high and make decisions based on that, but your happiness really counts on you being you.
SO. . .
I don’t know what I’m exactly getting at here, or what the solution is at this point, but I know I need to find the way back out. ┐(‘～`；)┌
That’s all for now, thanks for reading!