This is important to me and I don’t know how to get it out. . .

This is a spoken word project by Shane Koyczan that I first discovered when I was dancing in college. It’s very moving and it hits me hard, in a different way, every time that I watch it.

You’ve seen before in my ramblings a few posts and references to PostSecret. I believe this site started in 2006. Maybe a little before that? I’ve been visiting it weekly since about 2006 at any rate. – Thank you, Frank.

I really want to write often about my mental health in hopes that it will help my sanity and bring some hope to others who are feeling similarly crummy, but I’m afraid to fall into pity-party rants. I’m going to strive to not get into that mode.

Also.

And I feel strongly about this. Speaking about depression and the struggles you face is not a pity-party. When you take advantage of your listener and use that as a way to feed off of the attention that you are getting then THAT is a pity-party. There are far better, more positive ways to acquire attention. That is healthy.

Let’s start off with this statement: I have depression. I was recently diagnosed with a bi-polar anxiety disorder, but I don’t know if buy into that. At that point I was prescribed a mood stabilizer and an anti-anxiety medication. Now I must say it is very hard for me to agree to see a doctor and even more difficult for me to agree to take a pill. I have a problem with the idea of medicating because it does not cure (I do think diabetics need insulin, et cetera). It simply doesn’t. It suppresses the symptoms. That is most definitely not what I want.

I took the lamictal and the buspar from July 4th – October 31st and then I decided I was done. It didn’t help that much, it messed with my already crappy sleep, and it made me feel crappy. Plus, the long term affects of these medications are not something I’m interested in. I’d much rather make a promise to myself to not do anything final and keep a good bag of tools to help myself than take this crap. I would prefer to be my depressed self feeling like every breath I take (at times) is ripping my heart out of my chest and still have some me in there than feel like a zombie because I’m taking a happy pill.

That being said, if that works for you, please follow your doctor’s prescription plan for you. Mine is not necessarily the healthiest of ways to deal.

I don’t do therapy. I don’t. I worked for an inpatient, acute care, mental health facility for a couple of years and what I saw really turned me off to the world of mental health care. Except for the doctor I worked specifically for and one therapist in the outpatient clinic. These two were amazing and will really make a difference in the lives of their patients. The rest of them stand in the break-room and bitch about their patients or make fun of them. Or play right along in the corporate game of dollars and cents being the bottom line and not the well-being of the patients.

I fall into the pit of self-loathing sometimes often and sometimes once in a great while. When I’m down I put in my headphones and listen to sad songs and go to my secret board on Pinterest that I labeled “Saddness” (I know it’s spelled wrong. I LIKE it like that.)

I pin statements and imagery others have made that correlate to how I am feeling. I don’t know why I do that when I’m feeling down, but it helps me wrap my mind around things. I can accept that that is how I feel in the moment and I can gather it all up and lock it away and then it starts to feel better. Like I am validating that part of me and I’m making it make sense in a way. This helps me. I can’t explain better than that.

Many people in my life don’t understand it and tell me ignorant things like “You don’t have a reason to feel that way. Mind over matter. Just don’t feel that way. Get over it.” So I don’t like to talk about it very much.

I’ll post more about this at another time. It’s hard for me to put this all into words, but this is at least a start.

If you are ever feeling alone and depressed – or suicidal, please seek help. Go here. Utilize the tools they have for you.

There is always hope.

xoxo

-S

 

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