…a day in the life. Or maybe "How To Get Better At Life"? Sunday – Music ♦ Monday – Weight Loss/Fitness/Diet ♦ Tuesday – Beauty ♦ Wednesday – Non-Farm ♦ Thursday – Mental Health ♦ Friday – Pop-Culture ♦ Saturday – Wild Card!
Shit. I haven’t gained anymore weight, but I haven’t lost a danged thing. Saho needs to refocus her attention in this area. My dude and I decided yesterday we would be making some better choices and working harder towards this.
I had to get a new Fitbit because I lost my Flex. I was distraught about this because I loved that little thing and I didn’t want anything fancier. Well, the dude has a Fitbit Blaze, and so does my co-worker, so I decided that was the route to go. Because I’m a broke bitch, I found a refurbished one on eBay for like $25. (Which they LIED, it’s not refurbished, it has a CRACK in it, but whatever, it works great!) I was hoping and praying that my Flex would turn up because I actually ordered the new one, but it did not. For about a month. Then I recently found it while I was closing down the club that I worked at. Meh. I’ve already fallen down the rat hole trap that is Fitbit and can’t switch back now.
Because my dude had to have a pretty intense knee surgery about a month ago, we decided before that happened we would convert the addition on our home (that was formerly bar/pool room) into a home gym. And might I say it’s pretty bad ass.
Honestly, because of the healing process from this surgery we are both making sure we have a couple of protein shakes a day. My dude just for the healing necessity, but I deck mine out in order to use them as a meal replacement. Then we eat a healthy, basically whole foods, dinner. When I say basically it’s because we are not following anything special we just tend to make our dinners of a meat item, veggies, and like a rice or grain. Sometimes, because we are human, we have a pasta or some kind of junk. Pizza for dinner. . . you know.
I’m excited because for dinner we are going to have stuffed Flounder in the Sous Vide! <– If you don’t know what that is, you need to!!! Remind me and I’ll write a post about that! Also – I should give you a pizza tutorial and protein shake cheat sheet!!!!
So! I’m feeling pretty confident – the last time I lost weight, I did this same like protein shake therapy, if you will, and it was very successful!
Also – Spring has sprung and it’s sunny and I can be out doors and much more active this way.
So how’s that for a non-update, eh? EH???
We shall see if next week has some true results. 😉
Bear with me – this will probably be a difficult, rambley post. I looked at the save date on my original draft and I started this on January 2nd, 2018. . . Procrastination much?
So – I want to talk about two things that basically go hand-in-hand for me. Mental Health and Weight. I understand that this isn’t the case for everyone, but it is for a lot of people and I am one of them.
First of all watch this video:
I danced to segments from it in college and so did one of my classmates who was tremendously talented. – Shane Koyczan is a spoken word poet and he does amazing work.
I don’t want to get deep into bullying necessarily; because that could be a whole entire other post, and probably will be at some point.
Ya know – I was born a ginger and still lived in a time when it was okay to pick on the ginger kid. I was skin and bones as a child and once puberty hit I was chubby; mind you I wasn’t actually that big, but I had probably 30 pounds on my peers. I went out for choir and band and drama. . . art class. . . speech and debate. . . <— the all encompassing misfits club. The cool kids in my school played sports and were quite mean to the “weirdos”. Stereotypical as that sounds, it was very true for my small High School. Today it’s not so much the case.
So – I’m not doing a very good job of explaining that these outside influences, though they shouldn’t, have had a huge impact on my mental health as an impressionable, young human. I got a bit defiant in some ways, but that was more like trying to prove to the world that I don’t need their approval and prove to myself that I’m not like all of the Stepford children. . . But this did have a significant impact on how I saw myself and what I thought I could do.
When I graduated High School I weighed about 165 pounds. I am 5’5 on the button and I am very large chested.
(Which has been a struggle for me ever since I started developing breasts. It’s no fun to not be able to wear the pretty bras, 12 year old girls don’t understand the reason behind why boys are so mean to girls with larger breasts, I have severe grooves in my shoulders from my bra straps, and I get terrible shoulder, back, and neck pain from it. Not to mention the fact that I used to get in trouble at work and school a LOT for showing too much cleavage. Honestly? I’ve given up on caring about that aspect because I would have cleavage in a turtle neck ((something my older brother never fails to point out when someone sneakily posts a picture of me on social media)). – Oh and I always have to wear two bras. Woo. . . )
(I told you this was rambley. . .) Back to after high school. So I weighed about 165 pounds and was convinced I was obese because I had gone to a doctor’s appointment, for birth control, I believe, and after my check up the doctor brought me into his office and basically told me I was obese and for my height I should not weight more than 120 pounds. I had a little weight on me, but I was NOT obese, I know that now. (BMI bothers me because it doesn’t account for the fact that I have 30 pounds of boob weight, thank you very much.) So – when I was done with school I had moved to Wisconsin and for the first three months I wasn’t able to find work. I starved myself, believing that I was too fat and I was too young to be this fat, et cetera, et cetera. This led to a horrible cycle of not eating and then being SO hungry and breaking down and eating everything in the fridge. Then I’d be depressed because I couldn’t beat the cycle and lay around feeling sorry for myself and eating everything in sight. SO I quickly gained a lot of weight and by the time I moved back to Wyoming a few years later I was about 215 pounds.
My sister (loving as she is, doesn’t understand that it’s hurtful the way she talks about it) sometimes tries to reiterate my point when I talk about that weight gain in a pretty negative light. (Again, I’m aware you didn’t mean any harm, sis! That’s why I’ve never brought it up.) But I still have a mental block about that initial balloon and how I could have/should have been different about my self care.
So I move back home to go to college with my brother and sister and get a summer job flagging for road construction. The heat and the work caused me to drop back down to about 185 pounds in a few weeks, no problem. Eventually I start taking dance classes and realize I really enjoyed this. But – I was a few years older than my classmates and a good 60-80 pounds bigger – because of all of the crap in my head that led me to believe that you can’t succeed if you’re fat, especially if you’re trying to do something like dance, I ended up dropping out of school. (Which led me to becoming a bartender and that was a very good thing for my confidence and understanding of the real world). So I’m be-bopping along, maintaining a good 170 pound weight and I end up moving in with a guy who was a hot mess, which led me to be a hot mess as well, and I gave up working out and running and vegetarian eating and ballooned back up to 220 pounds.
Once that relationship ended, I ended up in the most regretful, idiotic, waste-of-time relationship I’d ever been in. And added good 20 pounds or so to that weight. So here I am. The FATTEST I’ve been in my life. 240-250 pounds, trying to figure my life out once again.
(All the while still fighting these mental demons that tell me I can’t do this because I’m fat, I can never be pretty because I’m fat, nobody will like me because I’m fat, nobody wants to see a fat girl do x,y, or z – because she’s fat. . .)
I knew I was facing some severe depression towards the end of this relationship so I decided what was important was that I go back to school. But what should I go for? Having no idea, I decided to just finish my dance degree and go from there.
Well – I didn’t finish that degree, but I made it most of the way through. STILL fighting myself the entire time and holding myself back because I let this “I’m too fat to succeed” mentality torture me. One thing I actively did, however, was go back to my vegetarian diet, be very conscious of what I put in my body, and worked out outside of my 10+ hours of dancing a day.
SOooooo….. When I left school the second time, I was about 170 pounds (do you notice the yo-yo here? 170/215/170/215. . .)
Then I had a big life event and tragedy that I’m not ready to speak about yet happen, and BOOM! Here I am two-and-a-half years later and I’m – you guessed it – 215 pounds.
Okay – let’s back up this thought process a little bit. Over the last year (and really about 3 years) I have been on a seriously mental roller coaster. One could say it’s because of the outside forces in my life, but the reality of that situation is that I am choosing to allow those things to happen. Because of all of this my depression had become this wretched evil leech and really sucked a lot of my spark and personality out of me.
About a year-and-a-half ago I was working an extremely part-time job (not only this job) cleaning a club and I remember thinking some suicidal thoughts while I was vacuuming. It’d been quite a while since I let that happen, BUT, I was in a good enough place that I knew I didn’t want to deal with that again so I immediately called my doctor and made an appointment. (Very difficult for me to do because I had a therapist when I was about 19 who was judgmental and belittling of depression and all that goes with it.)
I have said before that I do not like to take pills. I am serious. I don’t. So this doctor threw around the word bipolar. I agreed to be put on a bipolar medication (can’t remember what it’s called at this point, but nothing crazy like lithium – yet they all make you gain weight) and an anti-anxiety medication. AND I took these for about 7 months before abandoning them. I’m not bipolar. I’m just not, and I saw no difference in my mental state, so I didn’t want to continue to put that garbage in my body. So I quit. – The true remedy is all about inner love and care and a way you wouldn’t think and I will blog about that at a later time.
One thing I am grateful for at the moment is that my dude, shortcomings that he does have, has never ever made me feel anything less than attractive to him regardless of what size I am.
But this beast is already very long and I haven’t even gotten to the good bits!
Okay here’s the deal – I don’t know why but my brain wants me to start things on the 1st , or Monday, or New Year’s. Maybe it’s because I was born on a Monday. . . Thanks Mom. xoxo
Here’s where it gets serious. I’m going to post some pictures and you’re going to be nothing but nice if you have something to say, or you’re going to be blocked. I don’t need that hate, and I clearly have more courage than you do if I’m willing to post these pictures (and information) for God and everyone to see. So don’t hate. I’m doing a good thing here and I would hope that if you can’t be supportive that you had a good mom who taught you that if you can’t say anything nice, keep your damned mouth shut. <3<3<3
Before pics, measurements!
Weight – 215 lbs.
Waist – 42″
Hips – 52″
Bust – 47″
Chest – 40″
Neck – 13″
Left Bicep Unflexed – 14″
Left Forearm – 11″
Left Wrist – 7″
Left Thigh – 25″
Left Knee – 18″
Left Ankle – 9″
Goals and rewards! A reward system is not a bad plan, and can be motivational – therefore I told myself this: I can get a tattoo when I lose 20 pounds. I can get hair extensions when I lose 40 pounds (clip in). After that I’ll re-evaluate.
Diet? – All things in moderation, slowly move towards my vegetarian/ethical eating/whole foods diet again. Possibly vegan at some point?
Exercise? – Right now I’ve committed myself to 20-30 minutes every evening on the treadmill. Also – I’m going to try to start walking on my lunch break and get back into yoga. I have a friend with whom I’ve decided to go to a Zumba class on Mondays, but I think it’s been a month since we made that decision and have yet to go. 😦
Please also check out the blog I do with my mother and brother: fatfamilyfitness and give them love and support, too! I’ll post different updates there as well!
Please tell me what you’re doing to better your mental well-being and if you’re undergoing a weight loss journey! OR if you already have, what worked for you?? Comment below!
I know, I know. FINALLY some content with some content.
My boyfriend is so much better at sleeping that I am. He will tell me goodnight, lay down, and be out before his head hits the pillow. Rarely gets up in the night, and wakes up early. Well before me, no matter when he goes to sleep. To his first alarm. Every time. Up and at ’em. He does talk in his sleep, though, and I absolutely love that. ❤
Me on the other hand. I am awake for hours after him, I’m up until I can’t hardly stand it or I start to panic about how little of sleep that I’ll be getting because of when I have to get up. Then I have to force myself to sleep. Generally counting backwards from 100, more than once, with soothing breathing. Then my alarm goes off and I hit snooze. for at least 6 times times, at least, before I get up. Begrudgingly. I’m always too tired. I’m pretty sure that I’m one of those people that would function best getting up at 6 pm and going to bed at 10 am. But I don’t do shift work and I’m so over bartending (more on that life another time, I promise you) and I live in such a tiny town in such a rural area that it’s not a valid option for me. I have to function with the rest of the drones with a 9-5. Yuck. The hour of the wolf is my hour.
I always have vividly wild dreams though. When I remember them I jot them down. That is the root of a treat of a project that will eventually make it’s way to this forum. One day. Just know that. Have faith my little fizzies.
Mel Robbins woke me up this morning (via a youtube notification, goodNESS I wish she’d wake me up personally) to give me this little gem the other day while I was laying in bed trying to decide if I should hit snooze, get up, just stay asleep. . . What?
Recently I have been trying really hard (let’s get real, I recognize what I’m doing wrong and feel bad about it, but don’t actually do the thing) to sleep in my bed, not on the couch; to leave my phone in the other room; to not hit snooze; to go to bed on time; et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
So. . . Today I got hit with a terrible wave of exhaustion, like clock-work, at 2:09 p.m. on the dot (thats 14:09 if your brain works like mine. . . more on that later. . .) like it does every day. So I did what every person does in the year 2018. I googled that shit.
This plague is real, people! It’s colloquially known as “That 2:30 Feeling” and it is taking over my life. Probably yours too. I wish things were as easy to fix as when I could just consult the playground pharmacist and get my cooties shot. . .
YESTERDAY when it hit, I threw an internal fit (lies – it was a full-on outburst, but if no-one is there to witness it, is it even real?) about the fact that I had one of these at my old job, and don’t here at my new one. So instead I tore apart our entire file room and re-did it. Can’t really do that again today, though because boring. But seriously, if you can, buy yourself one of those desks.
Back to “that 2:30 feeling”. Apparently my body (and yours too) wants me to sleep around 2 o’clock in the afternoon naturally because it wants me to fail. Or maybe, more likely, it’s because we are just designed to be that way. We are inherently designed to recharge every so often, but living in the United States we are conditioned to overwork ourselves until we drop dead. Those lucky dogs in Spain actually get to go home after lunch to rest and recharge because it has been found to be more productive to have that break in the work day than it is to power through the slump.
On top of that, because of how we are constructed, our diet is sabotaging us. We were intended to burn fat for our energy source, but now that we are inundated with high calorie, simple carbohydrate foods and do not exert much energy to perform our daily tasks our bodies have to try to burn those extra calories or store them. I have read that it literally does not matter how much you exercise, if you sit for long periods of time during the day this can be detrimental to your health. Personally I find it detrimental to my ass seeing as how every time I have a job that has me behind a desk I gain about twenty pounds.
So. . . I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe if I take my lunch at 14:00 and nap for an hour I would feel better the rest of my long work day and be more able to get an appropriate amount of sleep at night.
The snooze struggle is real, however. I will probably be fighting that until the day I die, but if I magically find the solution, believe-you-me I will share it with you.
Water is so SO important for your everyday health and beauty. It’s funny to think that there are still people out there in this day and age that don’t understand the importance of h2o!… but there are!
So… Now I’m here to sread the word! Listen up folks, you DO need drink at least 8 glasses of water per day! Water allows your body to absorb nutrients from food and vitamins, keeps your body lubricated, and your skin hydrated! You can’t live much more than three days without water!
Bottled water is growing ever more popular and has been for years. Yes, admittedly I am one of those girls who drink water from a bottle. I can’t stand the swimming pool taste of tap water… yick! Bottled water, that is filtered, is better for you because the filtration removes all of the contaminants.
One concerning thing, however, is the amount of garbage that is created by drinking bottled water. I try to reuse my bottles and fill them with filtered water from my tap water filter, or filtered pitcher. If not, I make an effort to recyle! Why not go green?
Did I mention skin hydration?
If you want to have that picture perfect face, the first thing you should make sure you do is keep your skin properly hydrated.
Of course drinking water is a great first step! The next step is to pick a great skin care regime. The biggest problem I’m facing currently is that my skin cannot decide what category it fits into; dry, oily, or combination.
I have two pieces of advice to give you: whatever brand you decided to use avoid products that contain a lot of alcohol and make sure you do your research on the product before you slab it on your pretty face.
For years I’ve been a smoker, and I do mean big time. Right now I probably average approximately two packs a day. That’s roughly 600 cigarettes per month! That’s bad. Bad! Now, I’ve been heard saying that I have no desire to quit smoking. This is true, maybe not the most sane desire, but it is true. I would, however, like to cut back a great deal.
I like the fact that I smoke. I like the feeling I get when I smoke. I just like smoking period. Unfortunately, it is extremely unhealthy. Audrey Hepburn has been quoted as saying that six cigarettes per day is still ladylike and acceptable socially. Granted this was nearly fifty years ago, I believe it to be ideal.
Recently, a very good friend of mine went from two packs a day to five or six cigarettes a day. The reason that he decided to do this is because he decided to walk from our apartment complex to the college which is roughly fifteen to twenty blocks. In the area that we live in that is not an extremely large distance to walk. BUT once he had reached about three blocks he was so out of breath he couldn’t continue and had to turn back and drive himself to classes that day. Seeing him be able to do this has been such an inspiration to me that I have decided to cut back myself!
There is a bit of glamour that goes with smoking. I’ll be the first to admit that I started smoking the Camel No. 9 Menthe’s because they had a pretty package. At one point, once I started going to college, I decided that I was going to quit, but had made the comment that if my cigarettes came out in 100’s (stiletto) I would start up again. A week after I made that comment, I was in a gas station with a friend and saw and advertisement for the 100’s version. At that point I decided that it was useless to continue torturing myself by not smoking.
I realize that this article is starting to sound like I am anti-quitting-smoking, but I am not. Infact, I’ve done some research on quitting smoking, and I’ve found a great site full of resources to help youquit!